oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
