Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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