I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
