mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
