I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
