Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Is it because I queefed?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Randomize
