I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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