I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
