how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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