I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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