Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
