In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
