I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
