I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
