I think I died a long time ago.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Randomize
