I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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