Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
