I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
it's like iHOP with fire
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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