sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
