I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
