why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
