life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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