I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
