I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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