Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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