halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize