Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
