I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
