your parents love me but you hate me
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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