I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize