yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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