i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
