Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
