I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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