I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
