I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
