I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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