the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My ass is underappreciated
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize