I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
