Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
