I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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