my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
