Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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