I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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