I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
