I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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