I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
