Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
