I'm going to jail i love you
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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