dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
