eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
