I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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