I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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