I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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