She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
