Apparently you make a good broom.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
