I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
