life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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