They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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