Cold hands, warm shart.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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