I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
