i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Randomize
