the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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